I have been mulling over how best to describe Purim to all the lovely goyim back home. For weeks, I worked on a post giving a long in depth description of the story and traditions surrounding Purim. This post would have been fabulous if I could have gotten past the first 100 words… or, hell… the title!
Last night, I was mulling this problem over as I was falling asleep when it hit me, Purim can be explained but there is a lot lost in translation. It is much better to live the Purim celebration and experience the madness first hand. So my friends, hang on to your yarmulkes and welcome to:
Emma’s Guide to a DIY Purim Celebration
The first thing, one needs for a successful Purim is a good costume. Costumes are essential. Purim is like Halloween, an excuse to get dressed up in the most random way possible. Everyone dresses up. If you are a girl, this entails hours of labor, days of agonizing and hundreds of shekels to find/make the perfect costume. And, like Halloween, the sluttier the better. For boys, a costume means putting on a funny hat or hawaiian shirt 15 mins before leaving the house. Luckily, I have included some helpful examples of good Purim costumes.
Viddles and Dranks
This part is the best part of Purim. I mean it is the best part of any holiday but especially Jewish ones. I once asked a friend about why there is so much eating a drinking in Jewish celebrations. His explanation? They tried to kill us. They failed. Let’s eat!
I say that is as good an excuse as any.
Purim food is simple. All one needs is hamantaschen and lots of alcohol.
Hamantaschen are supposed to be Haman’s ears (or hat, depending on who you talk too). So far I have not heard a convincing argument about why we eat Haman’s ears (/hat) or why he was an elf. Make some. Eat some. Yummy Purim…
The first thing anyone told me about Purim was the importance of alcohol in a proper Purim celebration. The point, I was told, is that one needs to get so drunk that it is impossible to tell the difference between Mordecai and Hamman. To help speed this process along I have created the Purim Drinking Game
The Greatest Purim Drinking Game EVAR!!!1!
This drinking game like all good drinking games will get you nice a shwasted. It is also quite educational and a good way to learn the story of Purim (sorta). The game is played while watching the movie “One Night with the King” found here or here. I watched this movie sober and it was a test of wills between me and my computer to get through it.
The rules of the game are simple:
- Every time there is a slowing down of the action to add dramatic tension (read: make the movie more boring and longer) everyone starts waterfalling their drink. Stop when the real action resumes.
- Take a shot for every time an accent changes midway through the movie. Ex: Esther’s accent fluctuates between American and put upon English.
- Take a shot for every time you feel the weird erotic tension between Esther and Mordecai.
- Take a shot for every time the king begins to look strangely Jesus-like.
- Take drinks for every Indian extra you see.
- Take 2 shots for each time you see Esther’s surfer boyfriend. (*Spoiler* The two shot are for his balls which are, sadly, cut off midway through the move.
- Take a drink for every glaring historical inaccuracy you see.
- A shot for every time Esther is a stuck up brat, acts like a child, or is a cold manipulating bitch.
If you can get through this game and still tell Mordecai from Haman, then you need to rethink your Purim choices.
Happy Purim! (Well for next year anyway…)